Well now, I have not been writing enough and this is a shameful fact. Today though, I feel like I need to write. My life is beautiful and wonderful, don't get me wrong, but I am having such a hard time staying positive just recently that I need to get some words on the page. This is partly to just get everything out and feel a little less bottled up but also to make myself realise that it isn't that bad and it will make the good times feel even better, with something not so fun to compare them to.
I have been through some terrible ordeals in my time and my current situation in no way resembles any of them, it doesn't even compare, but I spent so long forcing myself to be positive about every little thing that feeling so negative about things makes me feel guilty. That shouldn't be the case, we are humans and we ride the old rollercoaster of emotions for our whole lives, but when we feel bad about something people do like to go out of their way to make us feel worse just for not being a ray of sunshine, so we guilt trip ourselves even further. But we shouldn't, we should just kick back and relax (stress our worried little faces off) until the smiles come rolling in and we are back to happy.
I wish not for sympathy or attention through this post, even as I am writing it I am not sure if I will show it to people. I feel like I should though, I think a lot of people believe me to be a very strong person and they deserve to know that I can be a big pile of Freddo Frog devouring mess. Caramello Koala actually, if I'm being honest. I ought really to be honest too, that's the whole point of what I'm writing. If you're interested, I've had two mini ones today, right after my lunch, while I watched an early episode of Friends. One must not wallow, rather enjoy some guilty pleasures and have a giggle (along with a reminisce, where possible).
Now, I would like to talk about the things that are making me be a grumpalump. I think I'd also like to explain why they aren't so bad, but this is for my own benefit. I know I have nothing to mope about but I also know that other people might be fighting similar little battles and would like to feel less alone as well as being able to put them into perspective. I know that real perspective would pale all these woes into absolute insignificance, but that doesn't detract from the fact that all problems are real, however big or small, and they really are just answers that are yet to be found. Sometimes we can even see the answer, but it's just out of reach, like the name of an actor you recognise in some obscure movie that's just on the tip of your tongue but seems to constantly elude you.
For ease of explanation I shall identify three main parts of my life that are filling me with sad faces and black clouds. I feel like calling them problems makes them seem like big scary spiders, so instead I shall call them almost solutions, slightly fluffier and more optimistic, I hope you'll agree. In no particular order, please take a step inside my baffled and fearful little mind...
Almost Solution Number One:
I am unemployed. That is a fact. The thing is, I really love not working. Employment has definitely been a big thing that has given me cause for misery in the past, I am so much happier as a free spirit. I am getting lots done, which is awesome, but the overwhelming sense of guilt I feel for not working really is something else. It also kind of sucks to watch all my hard earned savings dwindle away. I am not treating myself at all at the moment, I am just contributing my 50% share to groceries and activities. Tom has been so good and offered to let me not do that, but I don't have it in me to rely on someone else when I don't yet have to.
As a few of you will know, I had a perfectly good job, but due to visa restrictions I can no longer work there. These same visa restrictions are making it very difficult to find work at the moment. Thankfully I am not yet desperate enough to just take “any old job” to make money, which hopefully will remain true. I can't go back to retail, that really isn't for me and was a truly vile time in my life, work wise. However I am not proud and if I really have to, if it comes to that, then I will. I'll take anything, if the need arises. That's the other thing, the need may not even arise as my old job are hoping to be able to take me back when the current visa restrictions are no longer in place. This will be at the start of 2015. Even if I can't go back to that job, having unrestricted work rights should stand me in much better stead for finding a good job.
As it presently stands, I have applied for lots of jobs but the ones that are actually worth my time don't want me as I can't commit to permanent employment until the next visa kicks in, and the ones that might not worry about that don't want me because I'm so over qualified. Good grief, I feel like I can't catch a break! I know that's thoroughly daft but still, at this moment it is somewhat frustrating. But there we go, I am coping with the little money I have left. I am yet to do a proper budget to see if I can cope until the new year, but I think I shall do that soon, so that I know exactly where I stand. For now I must just hope that in January I find an awesome job (if not sooner) and don't hate going back to work too much. I can do this.
Almost Solution Number Two:
My future is completely uncertain. I am currently on the second and final year of my working holiday visa, which expires at the end of December. After a lot of time and effort I got my partner visa application in. That was a very stressful and very expensive process, with a lot more stress and expense still to come. I believe my medical alone will be about $500, on top of the Australia and UK police checks I have to apply for, which require every address I've had in the last 10 years (around eight, I believe, just in England).
Australian Immigration can take 12-15 months to decide on my application and I'm hearing that they don't tend to even assign a case officer for the first six months, so that's just marvellous. Slow process doesn't even cover it. If they refuse then I will have to apply again, for another $4,625 or whatever price they decide to put on it by then. This is stressful for me because it just means that I can't settle. At any moment my whole life may have to be uprooted, I just don't know. I so want my future to be here, with the man I love in a country filled with wonderful opportunities, but it just isn't up to me, plain and simple.
Obviously this is all out of my hands entirely, so I am sure you'll all agree that it is pointless for me to be worrying about. But if you found yourselves unsure of your future, unable to work until it's decided (oh yes, this is linked, so until January I can only temp...please see Number One above!), not sure whether you will get to stay with the person you want to grow old with, not able to start saving for a house or a new car, and just generally in total limbo, well you can't tell me you wouldn't worry, even just a little bit? My entire life and future happiness are resting on this so yes, I am stressed to the eyeballs.
Once it is all decided and I either have the visa or I don't and I have to reapply, it will all at least be an answer. I know it will work out somehow, I am a good person with a legitimate claim and I just have to believe that things are going to work out for me. I am stressed but I am hopeful and I have to try and cope because there really is nothing I can do about it right now.
Almost Solution Number Three:
This is a big one and one I know you will all empathise with. I miss people. My parents, my family, my friends. Most of the people that I breathe for are so far away and I haven't seen them in so long. Once the above issues are sorted out I fully intend to make annual trips back to the UK and hopefully people will come and visit me here too, but until that point, I just feel a bit floopy. The people who I confide in and who know me the best are not here. I am a loving person and I share my soul with my closest friends and family, so without them around I do feel oddly alone every so often. I just want to let off some steam and I can't really, not in the way I want to. I want to get drunk and dance with my girls, or veg out with yummy food in front of the telly with my parents, you know, my usual weekend activities from my old life.
So the thing with this is that I feel even more daft for feeling alone when I'm not. But still, those people were (and always will be) my world for such a long time that I will never be 100% me without them by my side. It's kind of nice though I suppose, in a way. My heart is like this little patchwork quilt, little bits that I've ripped off and given to people and replaced with the bit of theirs that they gave me in return. And I am proud of that, of my patchwork heart, it's just a little bit sad at the moment as so much time has passed without them close by.
I am so excited to organise a visit next year and see everyone. I must admit though, I am slightly dubious about it because who knows how I will feel leaving everyone again. When I first flew over here things were uncertain and I had no idea when I would be seeing everyone again. But there was also the excitement of a huge adventure and something positive I could be proud of myself for. Hopefully it will never be a goodbye with an unknown quantity again. I am pretty confident that I will try and see people annually, it'll be over two and a half years by the time I get over to England and that is a very long time for such a friends and family person as myself. Time was I couldn't make any kind of decision without a phone call to my parents or one of my best friends. My heart is tired of this lengthy separation and it'll be so lovely to end it and never leave it so long again. I see the solution here, it just has to wait a little while is all.
Well everyone, that's it I suppose. There I am, laid oddly bare for you all. I am not vulnerable or pathetic, I am just I a bit of a flump and I wanted to share. I have a gifted life and I feel terrible for even slight sadness entering my mind, but there we go, it's out of my control. I don't choose to feel sad and I'm certainly not unappreciative of what I have, it's just getting a bit overwhelming of late is all. I am following my dream but I am back on a steep uphill climb, maybe even worse than before, so for the moment it just seems quite tough. I will never give up, this is worth fighting for, I'm just glitching a bit along the way. I'll keep slogging my guts out but I would really quite like to have a little rest, or better still, reach the next goal and celebrate.
Stick around with me people, there will be lots of things to celebrate in the coming years. You should also definitely be prepared to bust out your Sunday best for my triumphant return in August 2015. You know it will be an occasion not to be missed.
Much love, hope, and positivity (to counteract the moping!)