I'm Nobody's Second Option...

So here’s the deal. I’m an intelligent woman in a good job. I’m a great friend. I’m funny. I am not entirely hideous and I’m neither hugely over nor under weight. I have spent so long faking self confidence that I’ve pretty much tricked even me into believing in myself. In business I am firm but fair and get the job done in a timely and efficient manner (the CV dream), be that at work or at home dealing with difficult situations. I always get my way in the end.

Yet here’s the thing; when it comes to matters of the heart, if I really give a damn about a man, I will let him walk all over me. I become a total and utter doormat. By saying that I feel like I am completely unravelling all the years of hard work and amazing strength of my foremothers (are we calling them that!?), who fought to overcome all the social prejudices and put women and men on an equal standing. To prove that we don’t need a man to validate us or “bring home the bacon” (I’m a vegetarian anyway, so tofu in my case – and yes, I bring home my own). And I certainly don’t feel the need to be on the arm of some guy to secure my place in the world, far from it, I am very successful as a single woman. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t help but smile and wiggle my bum a bit more when cute workmen throw me a cheeky wolf whistle, but I don’t need it. I know how amazing I am because I am surrounded by wonderful people and your friends are a reflection of the kind of person that you are. But as soon as I fall for someone, as rare an occasion as that is, I am just hopeless.

I’m a very guarded person and I don’t fall easily. I try to distance myself so I stay pretty cool and aloof. But the type of man that I really like sees that as a challenge and pursues me relentlessly. They say all the right words, do all the right things, make me feel like a total princess and like I really am they only girl in the world. They work hard to gain my trust. Then for a split second I will let my guard down and BANG I’ve fallen for them. By this point they’ve already won. This type of guy will pick me up and drop me whenever he feels like it, always somehow managing to sneak his way back in even after I’ve sworn off him.

Very recently this vicious cycle has engulfed me. Even after the “total final last ever never again” moment, he caught me. I was at a moment of personal weakness because I was sad and emotional over something very serious. I thought how much I’d like to talk to him about it. But I resisted and I was so proud of myself. But it was as if his sixth sense was tingling and he knew I was vulnerable because sure enough that very night he called me. Completely out of the blue. I saw him. He perfectly delivered the heart felt “I’m so sorry for everything. I’ve really missed you. These last few weeks have been so awful” and what do you know, I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker.

This guy has been an on-going feature in my life for over a year. There was an instant “something” between us and we became very good friends pretty quickly before anything else. I felt like I could tell him anything, and from what I could tell I think he felt the same. I am not questioning the initial friendship, it was just the turn it took that I am now finally starting to realise might have been rather calculated on his part. I cling desperately onto the hope that the friendship wasn’t all just a set up for what followed. The worst thing is that this guy has a long term girlfriend. With whom he lives. Yeah, I know that makes me an awful person, but sometimes you can’t help who you fall for. I honestly did hold out for as long as I could. And I always justified his behaviour by saying “he’s a good guy, he’s just doing a bad thing” when people told me they couldn’t stand him and that he must be a terrible person. How could the person I felt closest to possibly be a bad guy? I think I am slowly waking up to the truth now. He really was having his cake and eating it too. I am realising this at last. Better late than never.

I feel certain that I can’t be alone in this. There must be other people like me? I am strong willed and fabulous, but with this guy he only has to say jump and I’m already half way up the ladder before I’ve even clarified how high. Is there some kind of doormats anonymous group I can join? I am up for going to some meetings. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, isn’t it? Well hello there, I have a problem! I am trying to listen to all the powerful songs and quotes and take heed, but I know that there is some little piece of me that will always be weak enough to drift back there unless I kick this habit completely.

I recently stumbled across a page on Facebook called “I’m not a second option. You either choose me or you f*cking lose me”. I really want to adopt that attitude for my own. It’s just so hard for a doormat like me! And I can’t help but feel that it’s not all my fault. I am positive that the men doing the using are all too aware of what they’re doing. Perhaps it’s fun to see the weak side of an otherwise strong woman. To feel like you have control over a normally quite powerful force. I hate the thought that one day I might have a son who does this to a girl like me. That notion terrifies me!

But we emotional doormats are not oblivious to what’s happening. Far from it. I don’t doubt we’ve all delivered advice to friends in similar situations time and time again. We just gloss over our own misgivings and conveniently forget to apply the same advice to our love lives. But the fact is we shouldn’t be anyone’s second option. We shouldn’t even be their first option because that suggests that they have another choice. We should be their only option. Everyone deserves to be with someone that didn’t just choose them over someone else, but that is unable to see anyone else past them. I don’t mean existing in a complete bubble around you, but only wanting to be with you, not needing to write a list of pros and cons or dabble with someone else before settling for you. At least, I hope that’s what we all deserve. Or is that too much to ask?

I guess for now all people like me can do is try not to let our guards down but not be total ice queens while we try and figure this love game out. Everything always works out, I’ve found. The next chapter of your life is always just around the corner and I know it keeps getting better. We really shouldn’t let anyone play with our hearts. If they aren’t strong enough to just be with us, then they will never be good enough for us. And yes, I think that it is weak for people to use and abuse someone that really cares for them.

From now on it’s all about the fun and only the fun. Unless someone is man enough to stand up and fight for you right away, then they are never going to make you truly happy. And you know what? I don’t think they will ever be truly happy either. They’ll just move on to destroying another, even weaker doormat for the long term. While we go on being fabulous and desirable to the men who are worth giving a damn about. It’s ok to suffer a moment of weakness, just don’t let it consume your life. Your friends can only help you out of the slump so much; you have to do the big bit.

Oh, and in case you lot at Doormats Anonymous were wondering, I am now four weeks clean!